Observations from a week of sunshine

The following are some thoughts that were triggered in the last week. They run the gamut of topics so I won't try to group them. It has just been one of those weeks when all sorts of thoughts are stirred up.

We had our first full week of sunshine in a long long time. It was wonderful. I had started to forget what it was like. Once again we were able to go for walks (the neighbors tell me they think of them more as parades). We managed to get three walks in this week. I would have done two more except for appointments that disarranged the other two days. We did get some time for play in the backyard too... once the ground dried out for a few days. The kids and I always feel more energized and happy when we get some outside time.

through the years I have been thinking more and more that we need time outside among growing things. We need to become familiar with the land and sky. We need to acquaint ourselves with plants and wild life. We need to learn the ways of weather. It is when we learn more about these things that we become more acquainted to the God who made them. When we learn more about God and his creation, we start to understand the ways of God and how the world really works. When we isolate ourselves from nature in man made buildings, grouped into man made cities, doing man made jobs, for man made reasons, we start to lose our grasp on the character of God. We lose our grasp on reality and lose perspective on what is really important. Now I will agree that these man made things are useful and in many ways necessary for our survival. But they are not all there is and they can lead us to destruction if we don't open our eyes to that which was not made by man.

One day this week I took the kids for a playdate with friends while I had a dentist appointment. It was scheduled for our most productive time of day so I just let the kids have the day off from school. They loved that too. In some ways I got some time off too, but I noticed that most of the day was chaotic and the place turned into a big mess. I keep rediscovering that whenever we have a schedule or even a general plan for the day, everything goes much more smoothly and needed things get accomplished. But, every time that I let schedules or plans go out the window, nothing much gets accomplished at all. I even think the kids don't get to have as much fun in some ways. They get caught up in minor issues instead of the things that are more important to them. They end up never getting around to the stuff they said that they wanted to do. This theme keeps recurring enough that I'm tempted to go to a more year-round schedule than what we currently have. The main reason I haven't is because I have a tendency to over-schedule myself. I need the extra time to deal with days lost along the way for appointments, sickness, or other unplanned events. I need the time to consider what worked and what needs to come next. I need a break to get ready for doing it all again, even if the kids tend to get a bit chaotic. I guess I'll just have to give the kids a basic non-school day schedule to give them their needed structure.

Today, we had the Pillowfight Fairy's main evaluation to determine if she has Asperger's Syndrome. The preliminary answer to that is "no." But the evaluation was useful, because it did determine where she is having communication and social issues that can be improved upon. We will probably be investigating how to best integrate some extra training into her school schedule next year. And for those who are always questioning homeschooling's ability to properly socialize individuals, our daughter's issues are not the result of homeschooling. We know this because her siblings do not have these issues even though they are growing up in a homeschooling environment just like their sister. Rather these issues are individual to her and would be there whether she were homeschooled or attended a traditional school. In fact, it is her differences early on that convinced us that public school or even an institutional private school would be inappropriate for her. And it is her differences now, that made us wonder if there was something more specific that needed to be addressed. I like that we have the flexibility to find our way and follow the path that our daughter needs to go along. I like that we as her parents can weigh our options and determine what seems best for her, rather than trying to fit her into someone else's idea of how she should be educated.

I find it interesting that although we started homeschooling to fit the needs of our eldest daughter, we discovered that it fit the needs of the whole family, too. The only drawback I see to our homeschooling is the great effort that is needed to get it done. I don't say this to mean that I regret it. Homeschooling is one of the most challenging and yet rewarding things that I have ever done. I just keep coming back to the feeling that other people would also benefit from homeschooling, but they are afraid of the challenge and the work. Yes it is a lot of work. It requires discipline. It requires sacrifices in time, money, and numberless daily choices. But like the farmer working his land or the musician practicing his instrument or the businessman trying to succeed in his career, good results only come if you put in the work that is needed. I think if you asked any teacher they would probably tell you they wished their students, students' parents and everyone in the education process put in a 100% effort into the lives of their students. It would make a marvelous difference. We are nearing the end of another year of school and I am feeling drained and overworked. But I also can see the progress made and the good work done. It came little by little and day by day, but all of the work was worth it.

I broke down and joined facebook this week. Now that I'm in the inside, I can see how useful it is to help people manage their contacts. After only three days, I'm already starting to see how different people use it in different ways. I can also see how people can abuse it and how some people can have it become an addiction in their lives. I'm finding some of my library training is coming into use. After all, facebook manages information. People have to be wise about how they present their own information and wise about how they use other people's information. There are a lot of people out there who are not wise. By the way, if you want to be my friend on facebook, you will need to be my friend off the computer first.

Neuro-atypical?

As I mentioned briefly in a previous post, we are going to have the Pillowfight Fairy evaluated to see if she may have Asperger Syndrome. The more we read about it, the more it sounds like our daughter. My mother-in-law loaned us a book titled "The OASIS Guide to Asperger Syndrome." I would highly recommend it for anyone wanting to understand this fairly common disorder.

In leading up to our daughter's evaluation, I got to go to a parent-only screening class. This involved letting one psychologist go over all of the basic information once with a group of parents instead of having every psychologist say the same thing over and over to every parent they see. Then I got to talk to a psychologist about our particular concerns one-on-one. The gist of the conversation resulted in the psychologist agreeing that we may have an Asperger's kid, so an evaluation would be appropriate. We have an appointment scheduled for next month.

Between reading the above-mentioned book and listening to the two psychologists at the clinic, I have had several ideas floating through my mind that I thought might be worth sharing.

1. The book keeps using the term "neurotypical" in place of the term "normal" to refer to the majority of the population. I love that term. I have had a love-hate relationship with the word "normal." That is probably because I have never quite felt "normal" as it was always depicted to me. But I can understand something being typical without putting a value judgment on it. In reading the book, it helped me see some of the areas where I may not be typical myself. As it describes Asperger's as opposed to typical thought and behavior, I kept seeing how I don't always have typical thought or behavior myself (though not along the Asperger's direction). It makes me wonder how much of what is considered a "disorder" is simply natural variation among people. It also makes me wonder how our society does not adjust well to having people who are different among them, despite all the pride in tolerance.
2. While the introduction was being given by one psychologist, she spent time explaining what kinds of psychological help is given at their clinic and what stresses kids deal with. She also described how their schedule of appointments flows with the school year. What she did not mention directly was that school is a major stress point in kids lives. She did mention that the appointments drop off when school is not in session. I take that as either the schools or parents are not feeling the need for psychological assistance when school is out.
3. One thing that I thought was helpful to me is that just because something is normal or typical, doesn't make it good. Her example was that typical behavior for 2 and 3-year-olds is to have tantrums. That behavior is typical, but it is not OK and the child needs help to change that behavior to something better. This resonated with me after reading the above-mentioned book, since some examples of Asperger kids having trouble with others involve things like socially accepted white lies. These would be things like one person asking another if they liked their new hair color (which looked bad) and the friend, lying to reassure her, tells her that she looks great. The person asking the question neither wants nor expects the truth and the person responding understands this and provides the desired lie. In the case of Asperger kids they are trained to recognize such things and respond in a more socially acceptable way than the tactless truth. Personally, I find this sad. I consider the normal behavior depicted here as undesirable mind games that encourage an acceptance of deception both against others and toward one's self. However, to function in our society, we train those who have a natural disinclination for such behavior to imitate it to blend in. Yeah, I have a lot of gripes against the normal or typical way of doing things.
4. One thing mentioned that I found quite disturbing was that among the stresses that are currently typical for your average 4 and 5 year olds, besides the fact that they are starting school, is that they are frequently going through a divorce in their family. I have my own opinions about how we put kids through school in our society, but this statement about the commonplace situation of kids enduring the divorce of their parents as they start kindergarten just wrenched my gut.
5. When I was speaking one-on-one to another psychologist, he mentioned that we may have to change our decision about homeschooling or at least accept services through the public school district if that is deemed necessary for our daughter. He stated "that's how we do it (at that clinic) because it's free". Now, I agree that one should always be open to making adjustments as needed to meet the circumstances in which one finds oneself. However, I have found homeschooling to be so beneficial to our kids and to our family that it would take a lot to just switch to public school without weighing other options first. It could be that the services could be provided without full enrollment. It could be that there are other options that would suit our family better. I'd like to find out the full range of options before making a decision about that. Besides, we haven't even had the evaluation yet. Isn't that jumping the gun a bit? Maybe I've read about too many conflicts between public schools and homeschoolers or maybe it's my individualist streak coming out, but the saying that keeps popping up in my mind is "there's no such thing as a free lunch." Too often things that are labeled free have strings attached, hoops to jump through, or a hidden cost.

So, after the evaluation, we will have a better idea of what is going on with our daughter and what kinds of help she might need to get along with people better. In the meantime, I've been enjoying her company and being reminded how much she is like a normal kid too. We have told her a little bit of what this is about. She is looking forward to the evaluation. I think she likes the idea of having a new person to talk to.

Latest Pregnancy News

Since I had a doctor appointment on Tuesday and an ultrasound on Thursday, I should probably give an update on how the pregnancy is going.

I'm at the half-way point, twenty weeks, and all seems to be going well. My doctor says that the baby's growth seems to be on track, and he agrees that I've been more reasonable with my weight gain this time. My second trimester blood test has come back testing negative for problems.

The ultrasound results won't be ready until Monday, but we are fairly experienced with ultrasounds by now. We know that the technician isn't allowed to tell us how the baby looks to them, but we can ask questions like, "are we looking at the stomach?," "Is that the division in the brain?," and "Are we looking at the left side or right side?" According to our own view of the ultrasound, the baby's body parts seem to be in the correct number and positions. The brain is divided and formed properly, the heart is on the left side, and there are two kidneys. We did not see any sign of the problems that baby E had. If I don't hear any results on Monday, I'll email my doctor to get an official report from him (since I'm not scheduled to have another appointment until July).

My doctor was a little peeved that I didn't have an appointment with him until 20 weeks. I had been scheduled with nurse practitioners (and not my usual one at that) since they were having trouble scheduling me. I've had this doctor long enough through enough pregnancies and memorable events that he knows me by name and face. He told me not to let that happen again, if I'm having trouble with appointments, I'm to email him and they will work it out. He's been a good doctor. That's all of the pregnancy news.

Now for my homeschool update:

The book I picked up this past week wasn't as useful, but I was distracted at the library with a misbehaving three-year-old. I picked up "Making the Grade: Everything Your 3rd Grader Needs to Know." I thought it was one of those guides that covers what subjects are usually covered in third grade. It is not. It is a set of supplemental lessons to be used to reinforce the traditional curriculum (though it doesn't spend much time covering what that curriculum includes). I thought that the most useful part of it was the introductory material. It has a section describing how the book should be used, a note for homeschoolers, a section talking about ideal communication between home and school, and finally a section describing what a third grader is like. Perhaps if a parent was not happy with their child's current schooling, a book like this might be helpful to supplement the regular school day. If a homeschooler is trying to scrounge up more lessons to teach their kids, this might be helpful. However, we are pleased with the lessons we already have planned and don't see this type of supplementary lessons as a helpful thing. I did find the section describing a typical third grader to be helpful. I haven't come across descriptions like this for my kids since they were preschoolers. I had noticed various ways my oldest was growing and changing, but I had no idea how typical some of this was. Now I know that she's actually acting normal (for her). Who knew! I'll try to find a better book next time.

Combining pregnancy and homeschooling, my husband tells me that I'm already nesting. That's because we discovered that our baby is a boy and now I can sort through all our baby things to give away the girl stuff. I'm also getting the "Boys" room reorganized to house two kids and revamping the "Girls" room to have room for desks. Four and a half months early is only early if you don't realize that we will be starting our new school year in only three more weeks. Once school is in session for us, I will not have nearly this much time to organize and move furniture. I will be doing third grade for the Pillowfight Fairy, kindergarten for the Adrenaline Junkie, and keeping track of a preschool Happy Boy who will soon not be taking afternoon naps. Desks for the girls are so they can have a quiet place to write, color and do lessons when they need the quiet. We are going to have four kids ages eight and younger, quiet places are getting harder to find.

What does a teacher do during summer vacation?

Teachers take a much needed break. I am doing that. But I'm also doing something else that teachers do on their break. I'm doing a little professional development (so to speak) by checking out books on education from my local library and reading. The idea hit me as I was at the library with the kids. I was letting each of them check out two books, why couldn't I? There happened to be a shelf in the kids section dedicated to parents and educators, so I looked through it. I checked out a two inch thick tome titled, The Educated Child: A Parent's Guide from Preschool through Eighth Grade, by William J. Bennett, Chester E. Finn, Jr., and John T.E. Cribb, Jr. Despite the daunting size, it was actually an easy read and I finished it in just a few days. So here is my book report:

Their audience is intended to be very broad. Any parent of school age children or educators of children in any setting are encouraged to read it and use it as a resource as necessary. It tries to address what makes a good education for kids in those age levels. How to recognize the signs that your school choice is either achieving or not achieving this and what you can do to improve any problems found. It discusses what is an appropriate core curriculum for children in these age levels in the subjects of English, History and Geography, Art and Music, Mathematics, and Science. It discusses how parental involvement helps a child succeed in school and how specifically to do this. It discusses how to provide a good education to both special needs and specially gifted children. It addresses common school problems and what to do if your school or child is dealing with these. It makes a case for the need for character education, health education, and extracurricular activities in addition to academics. It also includes a very useful chapter describing a variety of issues currently debated in education such as : Education standards, skills vs. knowledge, multiculturalism, discovery learning, multiple intelligences, self-esteem, cooperative learning, public vs. private schools, charter schools, home schooling, religion and schools, social promotion, tracking, uniforms, year-round schooling, bilingual education, teachers unions, and more. The final chapter addresses the issue of becoming involved in education reform. This is not talking about theoretical reform but the nuts and bolts of bringing about change from the local level to the national level.

So after reading this I should ask the question of "what did I get out of it?" The book talks a great deal about the public school situation so does it have anything to say to a homeschool mom? The answer is yes. I related well to their repeated emphasis that the parent must be involved in their child's schooling and the person responsible for seeing to it that their child gets a good education no matter what choice of school they decide on. I found the discussion of core curriculum helpful to me so that I can gauge whether we are making good curriculum choices for our kids. I found the section about parents helping their child succeed to be very good practical advice for any parent and several areas gave me food for thought. One was teaching good study habits. A weakness we have doing school at home is that it is difficult to provide a quiet area for study when some kids are in school and some are not. I will need to find some better solutions for this problem. The Pillowfight Fairy already complains about the distractions bothering her and I know the Adrenaline Junkie is even more susceptible to the problem. So I have some brainstorming to do on this one. They talked a bit about testing, reasons for and against it, how to develop test taking skills, and how to do authentic assessment. I'm not big on doing a lot of testing. I am wary of teaching to the test instead of making sure real lasting learning is taking place. However testing is useful in some ways. We already do spelling tests and math tests on a regular basis. I verbally quiz her on her readings to see what she is getting from them. But, I have been reluctant to do any official, comprehensive tests, partly because they are not required in our state, and partly because I don't want to pigeon-hole my kids into a category and instead think in terms of individual skills and knowledge rather than grades. However, at some point we will probably do more testing, so I need to consider how to train in test studying and test taking. They also presented the idea of the IEP (individualized education program) that is used in special education programs and bemoaned that it isn't available for all kids. This is the idea that every child's progress is reviewed at least once a year and a new plan put in place for how to give that child the best chance at a good education. I love this. This is what many homeschoolers already do when they are tailoring the education to each child. Perhaps we don't all do it in a formal fashion, but it encourages me to continue to make my plan every year and review how we are progressing frequently (I need to review more frequently than I do). I was reassured in the school problems section that we are so far avoiding the problems that they mentioned. In the area on non-academics, I was challenged that I don't have a plan in place for teaching character, physical education and other extra-curricular subjects. It's not that we don't do this. We are simply doing it haphazardly. Having a more specific plan with clear goals would be a good thing. I liked the section explaining the various educational issues out there. I already have my personal gut reaction to each debate, but it was helpful to get more background on it and a better understanding of why the opposite side holds the view it does. It didn't change my mind about anything, but it helped me clarify my position on each debate.

All in all, it was a helpful book and I'm glad I read it. If anything it encouraged me that our choice to homeschool is going to give our kids a good education. Not because homeschooling is inherently better, but because of the seriousness and effort with which we approach our task. So I'm ready for another book to read, but have no idea what it will be. The shelf I had look at wasn't very big. I may have to check their online catalog and ask them to hold one for me that I find more interesting (leisurely browsing doesn't happen with three kids seven and younger at the library).

End of school! Yea!

The Pillowfight Fairy is quite pleased to know that we finished her second grade year today. She has some very unrealistic ideas about doing whatever she pleases for the foreseeable future. What she doesn't realize is that her Mommy is at least as excited as she is. No more prep. work. No more being the bad guy by making her get back to her studies. It is a well deserved break.

Unfortunately, I tend to look ahead and know that the break isn't really all that long. A mere month and a half. But, I have nearly completed next year's lesson plans for both girls, so I can spend that free time doing other things. I think my general priorities are getting financial information in order again (it's amazing how fast I get behind on that when my attention is elsewhere), cleaning, organizing, discarding, and one craft project promised to be done in August. All that cleaning, organizing, and discarding is my normal personality but it tends to go into overdrive when I'm pregnant. You could say that I have a perpetual nesting instinct.

So, now that school is over again, I can look back on the year with satisfaction. The day to day schoolwork didn't always go smoothly, but it went anyway and with fewer bumps than in the previous year. I think that I am getting better at the teaching side of things. I also think that the Fairy is appreciating her schoolwork more (even though she still complains). I will probably be spending a fair amount of my free thinking time to mull over the best ways to work with the Adrenaline Junkie. I need to cover the same material as I did with her sister, but now I need to present it differently to a very different girl. I have noticed signs that the Junkie is making a mental transition that comes between preschool and grade school. That gives me hope that she'll be a little bit more able to learn academic subjects. The trick will be how to incorporate ideas that she relates to in order to retain her attention.

I also don't know how far along the Happy Boy will be in the next year. He will still be a preschooler of course. But, he is beginning to be able to draw semi-recognizable things and likes to have people write words for him. I suspect that I will be encouraging him to do lots of drawing this year. He will probably want to participate when I'm reviewing phonics with the Junkie. I would not be surprised if he ends up being another early reader. He will probably stop having afternoon naps this year too. So, I'll probably need to break out the playdough and paints again (much to everyone's joy).

I don't know if you have noticed, but I talk a lot about what I see or plan for the future. I like to think about it. I think it just helps me prepare myself for the real thing if I can visualize it in my head first. Then I end up writing it in this blog. That gives me a chance to put it outside of myself and look at it from a different angle. Sometimes I'm simply planning what I need to do tomorrow. Sometimes, I'm wondering how the next year's schooling will progress. Other times, I'm trying to glimpse a distant time yet ahead (like when I no longer have to change diapers or potty train). I have learned that my looking ahead can be both good and bad. I have been known to plan something too far in advance and had to redo all of my work to get it right. But, when I plan ahead, I do accomplish so much more than if I didn't.

Besides school, there have been a few other things going on. I've finally been making jelly from last year's pomegranate harvest that has been taking up way too much room in my freezer. I bought myself a new food dehydrator to prepare for this year's fruit harvest. I've been making plans for summer camps, swim lessons and road trips. I've been potty training the Happy Boy for about a month now (with mixed results).

I'm now into my second trimester. My visit to my health provider last week was uneventful. It was mainly checking the heart beat of the baby (in the 140-150 range for those who follow such things) and scheduling my next blood test to look for abnormalities. The blood test I took care of today. I won't have the results back right away. I'll probably have them by my next appointment in June. I will also have my ultrasound in June. We are looking forward to it because we are curious about whether we are having a boy or girl. But, we are also dreading it, because we have already had bad news from ultrasounds twice in previous pregnancies. I am forcing myself to assume the best until told otherwise.

We also took a cat in for surgery today. One of our three cats has had a nasty growth or abscess on her tail for a while. After several vet visits, we finally had to have them remove most of her tail. I'm not sure what the recovery time is on tail amputations, but we'll have to be keeping an extra close eye on her for a while. So far she seems to be doing well, but she is a bit wobbly from the medication she is on.

That's all of my news for now.

Observations from a week off from school

We have just finished our final holiday week of the school year. The end of the school year is approaching fast. Typically in these final few weeks of school the actual work tapers off as we end some subjects before others. We have two more weeks of math, three more of grammar, and so on. As some topics drop out, I can lengthen the lessons for the remaining subjects and speed up their completion. So sometime in the next six weeks, formal lessons will be replaced with a more relaxed schedule that is more typical in our holiday weeks.

During the school year we take a week long holiday about every six weeks with a two week break at Christmas. This helps us keep our sanity knowing that a break is not too far distant. For mommy these breaks give me a chance to catch up on long term chores (like clutter management, or toy retirement) or schedule otherwise difficult to fit in shopping trips. For the kids it is a chance to play an extra video game, work on that craft project, read a book for fun, do some coloring book time, and play outside more (weather permitting). Mommy gets to just enjoy some down time, too. After a week break, a return to the usual schedule is refreshing. Much more than a week and the kids start to show signs that they need more schedule "boundaries" to feel comfortable again. I think the week off helps clear my brain too. It helps me have time to reflect on our progress, plans for the future, what works, what needs to improve and just who are these kids of mine.

So here are a few random observations from a week off from school.

• The Pillowfight Fairy likes piano enough to play it for fun when she doesn't have to.
• The Fairy and the Adrenaline Junkie like to play games together.
• The Adrenaline Junkie and the Happy Boy have the same energy levels and a similar interest in running all over the place.
• The Fairy has made substantial progress in her needlework craft to the point that it is now entirely her own. She can usually thread the needle, she can start her thread and end it properly and she can follow the pattern of stitches to completion. Mommy is only needed if some unforseen disaster occurs.
• The Junkie reads and spells better than she realizes. She assumes that she can't read things or spell them, but when prompted is pleasantly surprised that she can after all. She just doesn't like going to all that work when there is an easier way (such as ask someone else to do it).
• The Junkie has no perspective. Specifically she doesn't understand why Mommy can't teach her how to make a video game during her brother's naptime or drop her off at her grandparents' house (2 hour drive) whenever she feels like it. She has grand plans of inviting everyone we've ever met to our house for a party. She suggested we make a child sized wooden train and railroad in our backyard. Then this has to compete for space with the life-size castle she is planning to make out of cardboard. She is very eager to wash dishes and clean house except that she can't reach the sink properly and she doesn't have the patience to do the job as instructed. (I remember my own attempts at dishwashing at her age and do not wish to recreate the mess and the work needed to straighten it out again.)
• The Fairy and the Happy Boy can actually play together sometimes and enjoy themselves. I've noticed how the two younger kids play well together. But, the oldest kid tended to want to do her own things when not doing school work, or to play with her sister. But this week I actually saw her initiating a game of catch with the Happy Boy that gave them both some fun. It was good to see them get along so well.
• All three kids are actors. They will all re-enact any favorite scene at a moments notice. They will "quote" videos with each other during lunch (each taking turns saying a particular character's lines). Even the three year old does this.
• When the Junkie gets an idea into her head it is hard to get her to let go of it. She is tremendously stubborn. She doesn't take no for an answer and she gets in trouble for being overly persistent.
• The Junkie is normally very unfocused in her manner of living. She flits from one thing to the next on average every five minutes. She forgets what she is doing and makes mistakes because she is distracted or overly playful.
• The two previous observations seem to be contradictory, but I suspect that they are simply two facets of her personality. As she gets older, I suspect the stubborn persistence will give her drive and focus to do the things that are important to her. The unfocused, distactableness in her personality is a combination of her love of fun and an untrained mind. Fun and humor are often a result of the spontaneous action or word. This can be nutured and encouraged to result is a well-developed sense of humor. However, some of the lack of focus is purely, lack of training or discipline (not discipline defined as punishment, but discipline defined as planned growth toward a goal). I see a great deal of potential in this little bundle of energy and contradictions that are my daughter. She will be a challenge to train. May God give me the wisdom I need for this little girl.
• The Happy Boy is firmly in his routine is good phase. If the day goes along his normal routine (even if everybody else's routines are off), he is content and cooperative. If his routine is off, he is argumentative, grumpy and quick on the tantrums.
• The Happy Boy likes to snack. I don't generally allow my kids to have snacks, because it usually ruins their appetites for the regular meals. But if a kid has eaten his/her last meal well and is hungry early, I might allow a snack (growth spurts usually do it). But the Happy Boy seems to be like this all the time. He likes a big breakfast, snacks, and smaller meals the rest of the day. It makes me wonder what the teen years will be like.

Those are pretty random thoughts. But I like to mull them over in stray moments. Eventually, I may come up with educational goals, house rules, or wise precepts based on these disjointed ideas. Like a cook does with a recipe, I like to let my thoughts simmer on the back burner, so to speak, for a long time. From time to time I stir or add a little seasoning. Then I taste to see if it is ready serve yet. Eventually these little morsels add up to something useful and perhaps helpful to someone else.

Life continues to change

I have been pondering lately how things have changed. I like to do that every so often so that I don't just let life pass by without notice. Birthday season has just ended for our kids and I've been noticing that having a 7 year old, a 5 year old and a 3 year old is different than what we have experienced before. The Pillowfight Fairy (age 7) is acting like a second grader in her love of silly and gross things. She also has been showing a lot of teenagerish angst. This of course makes me wonder what is in store for the future.

The Adrenaline Junkie (age 5) is making the preschooler to kindergartener transition. She is becoming slightly more aware of what's going on around her and she finds it upsetting. No longer does she see her brother running away from her and think: "oooh... a game of chase!" No, now she starts wailing and crying that she's going to lose her brother. Instead of enjoying the Fantasia 2000 video like she used to, she cries for a half hour over what would happen to Donald Duck if he didn't get on the ark. Our older one went through a similarly emotional transition. But, I try to take it in stride and see it as part of her development as she grows older and gains maturity. The constant tears are annoying, but it shows that she is starting to make connections and think more deeply than she previously did. I suspect this means that we will probably be able to make more progress with her schooling in the coming year. Ironically, I was an extremely emotional child growing up and found that my tendency to give in to tears constantly, hurt me in the long run. As a result I don't have much sympathy with the constant crying and whining.

The Happy Boy (age 3) is not a toddler anymore. He is acting more like a big kid. He enjoys many of the same things that his sisters enjoy. They even play well together on occasion. One of his biggest strengths and also one of his biggest weaknesses is that he is more self-sufficient than his sisters at that age. In other words, he will do what he can for himself, instead of asking for help. While a good thing in general, sometimes problems would be prevented if he would simply ask for help.

It feels a little odd not having a baby or toddler anymore. We do miss having a tiny little child in the family, but they sure are a lot of work. I understand why people stop after having only one or two kids. As the kids get older, the physical labor I was doing gets easier. Two of my kids can mostly dress themselves, are potty trained and can take their dishes to the kitchen when they are through with them. I see that as a tremendous help in my work load. My youngest enjoys helping me bring in the groceries and sorting the laundry. I can tell you, that I look forward to the day when I've taught the kids to cook and to clean the house effectively. A shared load is so much easier to bear.

Of course with older kids come the more complicated problems. Relationship issues, hormones, power struggles, mind games, are some of the things I am not looking forward to. As with all things you lay the foundations of the later lessons while they are still small. So I keep trying to teach them how to treat people with respect and kindness. Though I sometimes think just teaching good table manners and that not every activity is a competition is far harder than I imagined.

When my parents used to complain that I was stubborn, I would respond that I came by it honestly from both sides of the family. Sigh.... I suspect Tim and I will hear and see a lot of ourselves echoed in our children in the coming years.

One post a month?

Well, I do intend to get back to my series on how I look at the world differently. I'm contemplating a post on the abdication of responsibility in our society. But for now, since it is late already, I'll just give a quick update on how the fight against chaos is going lately.

We've been on schedule with the homeschooling. However, I've had to make this past week a vacation week because of two sick kids (and a Mom). I only had one more vacation week scheduled and I hated to use it early. But you do what you need to. As a result we have just six more weeks of school left on our schedule, and eight more weeks to the baby's due date. That's cutting it pretty close. Fortunately, the schedule is thinning out a little as we finish up some things early. Our math program should be finished in just two more weeks. I'm planning on spending time playing math-involved games after our math curriculum is finished. The Pillowfight Fairy was introduced to the game of dominoes (count by five scoring version) by my parents this past week and did quite well. The two girls also played their "Papa" at chess. He held his own against the Fairy, but was blindsided by the Adrenaline Junkie's nary a care aggressive playing style. I think he was a little embarrassed by being beat by a four-year-old, but not too much. After all, she's his granddaughter and she can beat someone at chess while only four.

I've got my garden in, but haven't seen much beyond weeds coming up. The only thing I recognize as desirable so far are the snow peas I planted. Other than that we have some stray onions that must be left from last year as they came up in completely the wrong place. I'm making an effort to keep them watered properly, so maybe they are just delayed with the weather. I did plant fairly early. Our fruit trees, grapevines, brambleberries, and blueberries are all showing healthy growth so all is not lost.

I had my latest round of doctor's appointments this week regarding the pregnancy. I am still in good health (not counting the cold). We had another detailed ultrasound to determine whether or not to have a caesarian delivery. The results are good. The concern was that the fluid in our daughter's brain would have caused the head to grow unusually large. That has not happened. So I have the go ahead to go through childbirth without the surgery. From my point of view that is a big plus. There are no changes as far as abnormalities that we already knew about. Our daughter is showing a strong heartbeat so far. So she may make it to term or close to it. She is also tending to be slightly smaller than my kids so far, but not drastically so. The medical concerns at this point are whether the abnormal pregnancy will trigger abnormal reactions near the end. My doctors want me to keep an eye out for signs of preeclampsia (more likely in these situations). The other concern is that the placenta (sharing some of the faulty DNA) will cause problems near the end of the pregnancy. I find it reassuring that so many people are praying for us. It helps me stay hopeful and happy, as I take life one day at a time. We really don't know what will happen. We don't know when the baby will be born. We don't know how well she will be able to survive after birth. We don't know what to expect. So we just concentrate on what we do know. I still have to take care of myself. I still have to my best for the kids currently depending on me. Tim still has to go to work. We still do laundry, get groceries, and take care of the house.

Other things going on? Well, those of you who follow my husband's blog know that he is about to embark on a new hobby. I'm finding it difficult to find the energy to work on our taxes in the evening (Yes, it needs to be done, but I can't do it when the kids are awake).

The Happy Boy is growing fast and not just physically. He is starting to talk a lot more and much more understandably. He is starting to build things with legos, color with crayons and play with his sisters. I even had a fleeting feeling once this last week that he was starting to understand reading. He pointed at one of the Pillowfight Fairy's school binders and said "Math". And, it was indeed the math binder. I couldn't figure out how he would have known that without reading the word on the binder, since I don't usually get it out or talk about it during the day. It just sits on the shelf like all the other books and binders as far as he is concerned. He also moved a chair in his bedroom, climbed up and removed the pendulum to the clock in his bedroom yesterday when he had a little free time after his nap. I think back to the stories my Mom told of my older brothers when they were his age and even younger and understand why she hesitated to have more kids. Let us hope that the Happy Boy uses his powers for good. He is acting anxious to be a big kid like his sisters.

As for the Adrenaline Junkie, I am still debating about when to start Kindergarten with her. She still needs to polish up some things I consider to be preschool level, but in other areas, she seems ready to move to Kindergarten topics. It doesn't really have to be much of an issue here at home since we can teach her at her pace. But, it matters at church. You see her birthday is just a few days after the official school year cut-off date. She would be kept behind a year (from our perspective) simply because of an arbitrary date if she were in public school. But, our church advances students to their new grade in the summer, a full six months before her birthday, and almost certainly before she is ready to change over. Added to this she is in a boomlet group at our church where there are around 20 kids in the Sunday School class. There is a 4/5 year old class and a Kindergarten class that will be able to accomodate them, but it is still a lot of kids to spread out even to two classes for those ages. One person suggested I could teach her at her academic level at home and keep her in her age level at church, but when I see it from my daughter's perspective that wouldn't work. When people ask her what grade she is in, she will respond to her school grade from home and will notice if she isn't in it at church. At this point, I think I will start a little more preschool work and reading practice at home during the summer. Then, when she seems ready, we will start her Kindergarten program in homeschooling her. The transition at church could be at the next convenient change of quarter.

So that is what's been going on with us lately. I've had a lot on my mind. Not to mention trying to get things ready for when the baby comes. After all, we may get to bring this baby home even if just for a little while. We have to have the basics ready, just in case. So, don't expect another post from me until after I get the taxes done.

Month-long musings

It has been about a month since I've posted last. A month ago, we had just learned about our baby having trisomy 13 (confirmed since then) and had the hustle and bustle of Christmas. I've had a month to think about all sorts of deep thoughts. I've decided that I should take some time to share my thoughts, since I've gotten the impression that many people who know me, aren't sure how to talk to me anymore. They seem unsure about how I'm taking our news and don't want to say the wrong thing. For those of you in that category, I guess you haven't figured out yet that I'm fairly tolerant of what people say to me as long as they seem to be well intentioned and polite. I prefer to give people the benefit of the doubt. So to help out these people and to share my thoughts with the rest of you, here follow some of my musings about our news of the last month.

I was not very familiar with Trisomy 13 before the diagnosis came. I was vaguely familiar with the term "trisomy" but I had to read up on it and learned quite a lot from the genetic counselor. It is a very serious condition and usually results in early death for those who have it. This was not something anyone wants to hear that their child has. It was a shock of course. But, I am not a person under the delusion that misfortune can't possibly come my way. Some people tend to say "why me?" when bad things happen to them. I tend to say "why not me?" There is nothing special about me or mine that would prevent misfortune from coming our way. Added to this, I am very aware of my age and the fact that the risk for birth defects increases as my age increases. Although the risk is much higher than if I were twenty years younger, I am realistic about the statistics. If I have a risk of 1 in 20 of having any chromosomal problem in a baby of mine, that means I have a chance of 19 in 20 of having a child with no chromosomal problem. Most women my age who have children, have healthy children. I was aware of all of this information before I became pregnant and before we heard the diagnosis.

Once we heard the news, we were very sad. But, we wanted information to help figure out what it meant for our child. So we took time to research what we could. It didn't make us feel any better. But, it did help us come to terms with what is knowable. Trisomy 13 results in several abnormalities in a child. No two children are completely alike in how they are affected. From the ultrasound, we have some knowledge of our child's abnormalities (at least those detected from an ultrasound). We know that we won't know everything about her abnormalities until she is born. We also know that we can't know for sure how these abnormalities will affect her ability to live and grow until she is born and is trying to live on her own (instead of inside Mommy). Many of these babies don't make it to birth. Many don't live more than a few days after birth. About 5% live 6 months. very very few live beyond that. That is what we know. That is also a little about what we know that we don't and can't know ahead of time.

When faced with the certain knowledge that you are going to lose someone you love in the near future, how do you react? How to you live after that news hits? Well, you still don't know when it will happen. You still have others that you love and care for to consider. You still have to go about everyday life. You still have to eat. You still have to sleep. You still have to do laundry and do basic housework. If you don't do these things, life becomes extremely unbalanced and you start to go downhill yourself in depression. Fortunately for us, we have three bouncy, energetic kids that need our attention and care. They help us to remember to live life day by day. After all, that is how all of us need to live. Today is the only day we know we have, so we have to do the best we can with what we have. I still have times (in the middle of the night when I get too uncomfortable to sleep well, usually) when I consider what is coming in the future and I start to miss my baby girl early. But most of the time, I'm in good spirits. I can still laugh and play. I can appreciate a sunny day or one of my children remembering to say please when they ask for something. I actually forget sometimes that people who have heard our news, expect me to be a morose, tragic figure, who is sure to be near tears at the drop of a hat. They come up to me with tears in their eyes and sad words and I feel the urge to cheer them up. I don't feel like a morose, tragic figure. I am also beginning to see our situation less as tragedy and more as life as it really is -- Riding down the road of life without the training wheels, so to speak.

I try to give myself perspective. My life is pretty good. Many others have had tragedy of one kind or another hit them. And yet, they survived and were perhaps the better for it. I like to think that God has his reasons for letting these things occur when and where they do. I do believe that God is in control, which is a thought that gives me comfort. We live in a world that is not perfect. It is corrupted by sin and the ripples of that cause all sorts of unpleasant things in our world. Yet God is able to take those unpleasant things and make something good and right come about. We tend to see our baby daughter's "abnormalities" as defects and undesirable. But, we don't know how God sees them. These abnormalities may result in a more precious relationship and stronger lessons in life than we would have otherwise had. She is still our daughter. It is still our job to love her and be her parents until she returns to God. She is still part of our family. None of us knows for sure how long we have here on earth. Life is a precious gift. We choose to face this situation with a love that is willing to feel the pain to come. We don't need to lose the joys of today, worrying about loss tomorrow. Nor do we need to shelter ourselves from future pain and thereby cut ourselves off from the support we have around us.

We have had a lot of support from people. I know we have literally hundreds of people praying for us. We have family and friends who are willing to help any way they can. We have good doctors who are doing the best they can to be helpful, supportive and give us the best care they can. I feel blessed by this crowd of people rooting for us, and feeling sorrow for us, too. The load is lighter because of it. I don't know why this tragedy in our lives feels so non-tragic right now. We really would have preferred to have another healthy baby. But this is our current reality. As a result, we seem to be learning things about life and faith that we would not have learned any other way. I wish I could say more about that now, but I don't think I can until the time and the perspective of hindsight helps me do so.

I also feel blessed that I am still in good health. The pregnancy itself is going as it should. The only thing wrong is a chromosomal problem that has severely affected our daughters physical development. When birth comes, that will be the time of decisions and our next chance to really know much more about how our child is doing. We don't know how well or poorly her abnormal organs will work. We don't know if she will live long enough to bring home. We don't know what life will look like during that time. But, I haven't been worried about my own health. I've been able to get my usual exercise. I've been able to continue caring for our kids and home. Tim has been able to continue working and not worry about things at home. I've been able to continue homeschooling and planning for next school year's work. I like to think that I'm mentally healthy, too. I am not in depression, which I imagine is a temptation to many in such a situation. If I am somehow mentally unbalanced and acting strangely, no one has brought it to my attention yet. So I have hope for the future.

Faith, Hope and Love... hmm. That sounds familiar. Yep, that is what gets you through the tough times alright. It's a combination I highly recommend.

Reflections on Christmas

It has been quite a while since I posted on this blog. Homeschooling has been pretty routine, so that didn't seem like a noteworthy topic. I have discovered that my allowing for only one week off school for the Christmas holiday was not very realistic. First of all, I need time to prepare for Christmas even if we keep it simple like we did this year. Secondly, The Pillowfight Fairy can't concentrate on school work if she hasn't had a chance to play with all of her new toys yet. So we are taking a second week off to help satisfy the kids and to allow the parents some time to get life back to normal.

For those of you who follow my husband's blog, you know that we received some unwelcome news that our expected baby is not the healthy baby we had hoped for. She has many defects that will probably take her life fairly early. This is not the kind of news one likes to get at anytime, let alone Christmas. But after the initial shock and sadness, we are finding ourselves managing fairly well.

Christmas is usually one of our most stress-filled holidays. I have to consciously limit my Christmas activities or I make myself sick. Added to that, we frequently have one or more of us involved with a Christmas program of some kind (practices are not easy to juggle when there are young children). Then there has been a death or other family struggle/tragedy in most of the holiday seasons for the last 15 years. On top of that is the "who do we spend which holiday with" family politics. Don't get me wrong. I love my family and I am quite fond of my in-laws. I like spending time with them. But it is not easy to pack up the family for a visit on particular pre-determined date, especially in winter. And somehow, kids are never on the same schedule as the adults, which adds to the general stress. Then there is the fact that all three of our kids have birthdays plus Christmas in the space of about three months and we are inundated with new stuff, requiring sorting, storing, rearranging, and the discarding of old things.

With all of that, somehow this has managed to be one of our better Christmases in years. The family Christmas celebration was just across town for us this year, so we didn't have the travel stress. None of us were in a Christmas program this year, though we did attend a couple as audience members. We did keep our Christmas simple. I didn't have a lot of time to prepare ahead, being busy teaching up until the week of Christmas. Then I had extra doctor's appointments and big issues on my mind regarding our baby. Somehow, anything other than simple would have been way out of place this year. I did have a cold, but it was going away by Christmas instead of just coming on.

All this makes me reflect on what would be an ideal Christmas in my opinion. My ideal Christmas would involve:

• Spending time with immediate family doing simple things that we don't usually get to do.
• Not being concerned about other people's expectations of gift giving and simply giving gifts as prompted by our hearts and perhaps doing more gift giving to those in need rather than people who have everything they need.
• Remembering that Jesus is what the celebration is all about.
• Treating the people around us better than we usually treat them and perhaps better than they deserve.
• Move the focus off of what we want, and put the focus on what God wants and what others need.
• Maybe we could sing and dance more, too.
• As much as we treasure particular things, we should never let them stand in the way of the lives and relationships we need to treasure more.
  

Somehow when issues of life and death are on your mind, most of the stuff that goes on around Christmas is so trivial it is ridiculous. But without those big life and death issues weighing on the mind, those trivial things start to take over. Although the unpleasant things of life are in fact unpleasant, they do help us keep in perspective what is important.

Accountability

About a month ago, I was talking with an older gentleman at church (whom I respect) and he brought up the subject of homeschooling. He had heard that we were homeschooling and, not knowing much about it, he was curious. He was not on the attack and he wasn't trying to condemn. But, I found it interesting that instead of bringing up the socialization topic like most non-homeschoolers do, he asked me to whom am I accountable.

I had a simple answer at the time that I think satisfied him, but I've been thinking about the question on and off ever since. The more I think about it, the more I think he was on the right track with his question. I'm sure that this "accountability" question probably raises just as many hackles with homeschoolers as the "socialization" question does. But, think about it for a minute. In the socialization question, people are saying that it is important to be like all the rest of us who educate our kids this other way. In the accountability question, it is asking who do you answer to keep you on track and doing what you should.

The way I see it, accountability is important to everybody. But, this gentleman realized that accountability is a separate thing from being like everybody else. Most people think that if you are like everybody else then the accountability question is taken care of through normal channels and they don't have to think twice about it. However, most homeschoolers are not satisfied with the accountability provided in the normal channels and for one reason or another reject the idea that they need to be like everybody else.

The public schools are accountable to parents, school boards, and government regulation. Private schools are accountable to parents, school boards, government regulation and in the case of religious private schools the faith tradition they are a part of. Homeschoolers are also accountable. Except in their case the parents are the school board and the teachers and the administration. Homeschoolers also have to satisfy whatever government regulations have jurisdiction over them. Many homeschoolers are part of a support group which can be an accountability partner for them to stay on track. Religious homeschoolers are either accountable within their faith tradition or accountable directly to God.

All of these methods of accountability are useful and good within reason. But any one of these can get overbalanced and become a tyranical dictator rather than an accountability partner in the education of our children. It is also this that scares people when they hear horror stories of parents who use homeschooling as a screen for mistreating their children. The public decides suddenly that there isn't enough accountability if it was allowed to happen.

The things that I see in all this is that there are good individuals and bad individuals and all of us have some mixture of the two (so don't get too puffed up about being a good guy). It is in every parent's best interest for their children to thrive and succeed. If we all operated on this self-interest, there would never be a parent who mistreats their children. Unfortunately, there are and they are not limited to any one segment of the population. For this reason, I understand the need for accountability. I consider myself personally accountable to God for my actions. I am also accountable to my husband, and he to me, in how we conduct ourselves with our children. We are accountable to extended family, who love our kids as much as we do (and for the record, most but not all are happy that we homeschool). We have church connections that help us be accountable as good parents. We are not thoroughly connected to a homeschool organization for accountability, but we do have several casual friendships with other homeschoolers. Living in California, we currently do not have many governmental regulations to be concerned about. On the whole, I think we are sufficiently accountable while at the same time having the freedom to decide what is best for our kids.

I would challenge all parents (public, private, or homeschool) to consider to whom you are accountable. If you have a long list, you are probably doing all right. If you have a very short list or an empty list, you probably need to find yourself people to hold you accountable to be the person you need to be for the sake of your children.

Extreme tiredness

I had thought that I was doing fairly well this pregnancy with being able to stay awake and just keep on going. Yeah... so I do need my afternoon nap. Yeah... so I tend to run out of energy fast in the evening. But, last night I reached a new depth of tiredness that I had never achieved before.

I fell asleep while reading a book. OK, that seems like a perfectly normal thing to do. Let me revise my description to give you a better idea of how extraordinary this was. I was reading Dr's Suess' ABC to my son, aloud. I knew I was tired, but I didn't realize how tired I was until I felt this fuzziness fade over me and I woke myself by hearing myself continuing to talk as if I were reading but strange words were coming out of my mouth.

I had fallen asleep while watching videos with my kids. I have had close calls in the car on long afternoon drives (why I don't drive long distances in the afternoons when I am pregnant anymore). I had fallen asleep while breastfeeding. I had fallen asleep while bottle feeding. I have heard of people falling asleep while standing up. I have never fallen asleep while I was reading aloud before. Parenthood really is exhausting. First-time parents find that out pretty fast. What nobody tells you is that if you keep having kids, you learn new depths that you didn't know existed.

To be fair, some of the sleep deprivation is self-inflicted since I am determined to keep on going and keep up a normal pace of activity. I am grateful my husband can step in and help with the kids in the evening when I completely lose steam. Though I think he is getting tired of doing bedtime routines for all three kids while his wife is asleep on the sofa.

Mommy Fashions

I've been thinking lately how silly some of my fashion choices have been lately. To give you some background, please understand that I have never been a fashion maven. But, I do have a conscious fashion identity that I have shaped and molded in various ways since Junior High School. I like certain styles and rejoice when they come back into the latest trends. I hate other styles and think that those clothes should be buried somewhere obscure in the deep of the night. I tend to like classic styles (those styles that last longer and don't really follow the ebb and flow of the current fads). I also like a few fun eccentric things, that most people would probably avoid simply because "everyone isn't doing it." I tend to do my own thing and toyed with going into fashion design in during my High School Years. It is probably good I didn't. I'm too much of an independent thinker. I've never noticed anybody treating me like a trend-setter. In addition, I have a huge practical streak. Practical and Fashion almost never work well in the world of trendy culture. It drives me nuts every time I find something that works for me because it is practical, then within a year I can't find it anywhere because the latest thing pushed it out of the market. But the latest thing is cutesy and very impractical.

So, what kind of fashion choices have I made that amuse me? It is the Mommy Fashion thing. Things that I do simply because I'm a mommy. Things that I probably would never have thought of otherwise. Auntie Jean pointed one out to me about a year ago that I hadn't really noticed, but was kind of funny. No matter what I wore, I would always add a little touch of white, usually tossed over a shoulder like a loose scarf. This bit of white scarf was of course a burp cloth made from a thin cloth diaper. I've done this for most of the first year and a half of each of our kids' lives. To someone who knows me, it's become my normal fashion. To a complete stranger, they probably wonder about my sanity.

Another one I noticed this past summer was a fun little colorful accessory. If you plan ahead, you can even coordinate with your day's outfit (which I never did). This accessory was a pacifier on a strap that was usually clipped to my belt-loop or pocket. This position ensured that the child to whom it belonged would not be dragging it through the dirt. But, for my benefit, it provided a fun little swinging motion every time I walked somewhere.

The latest addition to my wardrobe that amuses me is a pair of shoes. I love shoes. I am one of those people (if I didn't have a practical streak) who would have a pair of shoes to match every color of outfit I own. I have always liked three inch spike heels (which make me 6 feet tall). This is not at all practical with young kids in your life (possible but not practical). I also happen to be rather active. I don't do sports. I don't do a gym. I don't run or bike or swim. I walk. I currently have a daily walk of about 1.2 miles (pushing a double umbrella stroller). I have found that with a combination of young children and the daily walk, I am incredibly hard on shoes. I usually would choose athletic shoes as the most practical choice for my daily footgear. No matter what brand I would choose, It would fall apart quickly and I would be shopping for shoes again. Cheaper brands fell apart faster. But the expensive ones didn't last long enough to justify the expense. My last pair of athletic shoes looked terrible (cracking, tearing, soles pulling away from the shoe) in just one month. What's a mom to do?

Heh, Heh...

Men's workboots. Stanley brand. Steel Toes! (how many times does a mom have her kids step on her toes!) Fashion-wise they resemble black and grey hiking boots. They were $30 at Payless ShoeSource and half price on day I bought them. It took me about a week to break them in. So far they seem to be doing a great job. We'll see how long they last.

So, it makes me wonder what is next? Knee pads? Face mask? Funny hats? Then I started to wonder if other people do strange things like this or is it just me. So if any of you reading this have stories to share, please do. I would love to know that I'm not the only one.

Don't you hate it when you feel God correcting you?

Several times in the last week, I have been feeling God correcting me about a personality flaw. I have joked about it and taken an unbecoming pride in it and now I need to work at changing it.

I have a mercy problem. That is I need to work my mercy muscles so that they can do the work God has me to do. I began to realize this in the past week when the Pillowfight fairy was starting to show problem behaviors as a result from anxiety, and I was trying to force her to push through it and toughen up. I suppose I felt the need to push, because I am an adult and I can see no good reason for her fears. But, when I look back to my own childhood, I see myself as an equally fearful kid. I remember the terror I had at things that were perfectly ordinary and the frustration the rest of the family had with me. I was labeled a "sensitive child" by my teachers and a "Cry-baby" by my peers. I wanted to give my daughter a different road, and in the process, I didn't see that she is a sensitive child and I need to be understanding instead of playing the meany.

I remember hearing a variety of stories (I think one of them is in Anne of Green Gables) where someone acknowledges a flaw of theirs but tells the person they are talking to that "that's just the way I am, you'll have to get used to it." The other person replies that such an attitude is crazy. Whether the habit is outbursts of anger, tactlessness, or in my case a lack of mercy when it is needed, the proper response is to try to change for the better. I have no right to hold on to hurtful habits out of selfishness. So I am going to try to turn over a new leaf and learn to show mercy to my children more. I will try to learn to use gentleness in getting around problems as much as I can.

Lately, the Pillowfight Fairy seems to be needing more one-on-one time with Mommy, so I will start there. I will do more of our daily activities with her instead of sending her off to do things on her own (freeing me up for other stuff). It is tempting to try to rush her growing up for my own convenience, but although she looks old enough to be seven or eight (because of her height mostly), she is only five and needs the gentleness that most five year-olds need. I remember that I was always tall for my age and so was mistaken for an older child. But, I was really slightly behind in my emotional development. I suspect my oldest girl is the same way. I'll try to remember what it was like to be that age a little more as I help her navigate the ups and downs of her life.

How do we talk to our children?

A chance comment from a fellow shopper at the grocery store Saturday got me thinking about how my husband and I talk to our kids. She said "I love how you talk to your kids. It's so cute." Ever since, I've been trying to reconstruct our conversations in the produce section that prompted a stranger to tell me that. I'm still a little mystified.

I usually consider myself not terribly great about how I interact with my kids. I hear my kids talk to each other or to me and hear echoes of the bad habits I have influenced them with. They are soooo good at getting that annoyed tone of voice that I have used on them. The oldest is getting pretty good at my "I mean business" way of barking orders. I tend to beat up on myself about how I need to be better about how I talk to them.

In my defense, I do try to talk to them about everything that we do and let them know what I'm doing. If problem topics come up, I try to talk about them using truth and simplicity at the age level they need. I try to use good manners myself in hopes that they will copy me in that. I make a point of telling them that I love them several times a day.

So what was going on at the grocery store that was notable? Well, first of all, the whole family was there. Usually I go by myself or with just the baby so that it isn't nearly so chaotic. Tim usually stays home with the older kids. But last Saturday, we had a different schedule and decided to try it as a family for a change. To our oldest two, who don't get to come as often, it became a great adventure. I think what the stranger in the store saw was both Mommy and Daddy talking with our kids as we got things from our list. They only things that I can think of that might have been noteworthy were the fact that our kids were giddy with delight at being there, that the girls were actively helping us shop and that they were making suggestions about what we should buy(I think we should get some more grapes, Dad!). We were all having an adventure and enjoying it.

I will try to come up with some lessons to take away with this:

Ahem...

• We as parents need to lighten up.
• I was so obsessed with the bad behaviors, that I wasn't seeing the good behaviors.
• Kids like to live like life is an adventure. We grown-ups are the party poopers too much of the time.
• I definitely need to take advantage of every hint of helpfulness my kids display.
• I also need to enjoy those good times because they all come to an end. By the time we were going down the last aisle before checkout, two of the three kids were in tears and we were getting sympathetic comments instead.

So, I hope this gets you thinking about how you talk to people. I probably would never have noticed this unless someone took the risk to tell a stranger what they thought. (By the way, have you ever noticed how people are more willing to talk to you when you have kids with you?)

Light at the end of the tunnel

The wave of winter illness struck us almost two weeks ago. The first two kids to get the virus that causes fevers for up to seven days, have now got their appetites back and are merely drippy nosed. Those two happy ones are the Adrenaline Junkie and the Happy Boy. Somehow they managed to get sick on the exact same day (unless I misread symptoms). Now the Pillowfight Fairy is sick with the fever and off her feed. So far, Tim and I have not come down with it. I've been fighting something like a cold the whole time. As of today, however, I'm beginning to think that it's Spring allergies.

It's not easy going through a wave of illness like this. I'm grateful that this time the parents were well, during the bulk of the kid-sickness. We are still on the brink of a serious case of cabin fever, however. At least we have had nice weather for the last week. There were a few days when we were able to get outside for walks or playing in the backyard (hence my suspicion of allergies) and that seemed to help us a little. The trees and flowers are blooming and it feels like spring. Day by day we are getting closer to being well... the light at the end of the tunnel.

My husband is planning on doing a post on our project today as we took turns taking care of kids while the other parent worked outside. I will summarize from my perspective. We planted a vegetable garden. Yesterday, Tim moved around dirt to level things out, killed a bunch of weeds with Round-Up, and mowed. Today he roto-tilled the garden area for me. Then I raked it level, divided it up and made rows. Then I bought seeds and planted. It doesn't look all that big when you see it in context with our huge backyard. But, it is really a very big garden.

I've waited four and a half years to plant that garden. It is an early spring garden, so I've planted cooler weather vegetables: carrots, cabbage, lettuce, spinach, radishes, onions, chives, parsley, basil, and brussel sprouts. Next weekend, we hope to get supports in so we can plant grape vines and snow peas. We decided that a spot in our small orchard would work for our compost pile. We have almost finished our backyard. Once again a light at the end of the tunnel.

I'll be spending a little time every day watering, weeding, and eventually picking fresh veggies. There will be a lot of weeding. The weeds have spread widely since we've moved in. We keep underestimating how fast the weeds go to seed, and kill them after they've gone to seed. As a result, we have more weeds. So much of this coming growing season will be a fight against the weeds. We will need to eradicate them from several large sections of our yard and then put down ground cloth and wood chips. In the garden, I expect that I'll be pulling weeds nearly every day.

Since finances have been a little tight after the big project from last year and several unexpected expenses, we don't think we will be finishing up all the landscaping just yet. But to make the patio area pretty, I think I'll sow several packets of wildflowers that I already have.

Getting outside and making things look nice again has been really satisfying. I'm sure it will take a few seasons yet before everything is just the way I imagined it. But, it is getting there.

As for the sick days we have had recently, I've had a lot of "light at the end of the tunnel" thoughts. Our oldest child is five years old. Five-year-olds are still fussy and clingy when sick, but they are much easier to work with than a three-year old or an infant. The three year old is super fussy and clingy when sick, but at least she can talk and communicate how she feels, if she's hungry, or if her food is about to come up. The baby (or I should say toddler, since he's walking) is as hard to figure out as ever. If he's not happy, something is wrong.

I realize that sick days will only be getting better as the kids get older. The Pillowfight Fairy is ten times better as a sick child now than when she was three. I have wondered how many of those people I know who decided to stop having kids after one or two, decided this after a bad bout of sickness while the kids were preschool age or younger. I know it crosses my mind on those really tough days.

Somehow, as my kids get older I am seeing another light at the end of the tunnel. We still hope to have another child, but even so I'm not going to be having pregnancies much longer. I'm forty. If we are blessed again, it will be our last I think. Eventually, the baby years will pass. The Toddler years will pass. Preschool years will pass. I will get to rid myself of spare toys and baby clothes, maternity clothes and bottles. Some day we will no longer need booster seats at the table. I am looking forward to the older kid stages.

Birthday thoughts

The Adrenaline Junkie turns three years old tomorrow. We had her party today. There were several things that caused me to pause and think. Of course in a whirlwind of activity, there isn't much time to reflect. I'll do my reflecting here.

This is a particularly busy weekend for us. We had a week where we had appointments or other scheduled things to do every single day. We had my parents come to visit partly for the Junkie's birthday and partly to free up Mommy and Daddy to take care of an important appointment without kids in tow. In addition to this, tomorrow is an extra busy Sunday with meetings, practices, church, and packing for an out of town trip we need to make. I feel like I haven't had much time to sit and relax. But, I am proud of the fact that I still managed to finish nearly all the Christmas shopping, make homemade Christmas presents (can't say what... don't want to spoil the surprise!), rake the leaves, and trim Happy Boy's hair (which was getting extra fluffy lately). Oh yes, I've also been fighting a cold that may keep me out of the Christmas musical this year. I don't feel so bad, but my voice is completely unreliable right now and I have a constant cough that is triggered by the slightest tickle in the throat.

With all of that said, If I can make it through the next week, I think I might actually enjoy the holidays. What do I have on schedule next week? Spending the week with my parents (again!) while my husband goes through some job training. The kids will be completely spoiled. They have high hopes of going to a park with swings every day. And the Happy Boy will probably be so motivated by their non-child-proofed home that he will start walking. After that we come home to the Christmas musical final practice and performance.

So with this whirlwind in my midst and anticipated, what were the things that gave me pause today?

1. Kids don't need fancy decorations for a birthday party. We made very festive ones from colored construction paper. spiral streamers hanging from curtain rods, doorways, and ceiling fans had kids bouncing off the walls and gazing in awe (especially when we turned on the ceiling fan).

2. Clothes are packing material to a three year old. The junkie was tossing aside clothes left and right with nary a care. The only one to stop her was the princess dress costume (and the frog blanket that can be worn). But, lest family think that she doesn't care, let me assure them that later she brought me some of those same items she cast away so easily, asking to wear them.

3. When buying for a kid, keep their interests in mind. The Junkie was very pleased by getting pretty dress up things and also the toy cars. Not all girls like assessories and wheels. The Junkie is showing signs of wanting a pink motorcycle when she grows up.

4. Sometimes it is OK to let kids play outside in dirt and mud even when they are wearing dresses. It'll wash out.

5. When kids play make-believe, everything is a toy.

6. Three year olds can skip naptime as long as you feed them dinner before they fall asleep. The Junkie missed dessert at dinner time because she was so tired she was about to fall into her food. She didn't make one complaint about being carried to bed for a nap.

7. It was nice to have a very short and simple agenda for the day. That left a lot of flexibility. People were able to come and go as they needed. We could get things done without a lot of fuss. I highly recommend simple plans for birthday parties (or any party for that matter). The more you put in your plan the less likely you are to stick to the plan, and the less likely people will enjoy themselves.

8. 10 month old babies think that colorful boxes and bags are their rightful possessions and will raise quite a fuss when they are prevented from exploring among them.

9. Wagons with seatbelts and cupholders are extravagant. But we are happy to have it even so.

10. If kids had their way, every day would be a party.

That's all for now. I need to go finish up some laundry and clean the kitchen.

Is it the kids... or is it me?

Recently I did a post about how our five-year-old was going through a developmental change around her birthday. It seems to have made her want to test the boundaries again and made her very emotional about things that didn't matter to her before.

Well, the Adrenaline Junkie is going to turn three in just a couple of weeks and I think she is going through a developmental change too. Suddenly she just seems older and more three-year-old-ish. She suddenly has an even shorter attention span, a hyperdrive activity level, a ferocious independent streak and bigger tantrums when called on misbehavior. It's times like this I wish the kids had their birthdays staggered a little more throughout the year. But if that were the case I suppose I would have to deal with the upheaval through more of the year instead of all at once.

And in case you're wondering, yes the Happy Boy has been having his troubles, too. He has decided that Mommy is the only one who can console him when he's upset, feed him when he's hungry, or put him to bed when he's sleepy. I've not experienced a child with separation anxiety this bad when his sisters went through it. One of my parenting books suggests that it is a sign of strong attachment and that the earlier it occurs the more likely it will pass quickly. I sure hope so.

In the meantime, I feel like a much loved mean Mommy.

Kids grow up and change

During the past week or so, we have been having the toughest time with our eldest daughter the Pillowfight Fairy. She just turned five and it seems like this tremendous change in her life necessitates retesting all the boundaries and making sure the foundations of her life are still dependable. Because of this, I've been trying to figure out what is going on in her head and how to make this transition easier for all of us. I haven't got that figured out yet, but in the process I've been reflecting on how change hits kids and how they transition from one period of life to the next.

When we started homeschooling the Pillowfight Fairy, she was not quite four years old, but already reading and understanding her numbers and basic mathmatical concepts. At the time I knew that the preschool programs described to me were not academically advanced enough for where she was, but kindergarten was socially beyond what she could relate to. So I tried to come up with some way of giving a preschool-thinking child the school age academics she was showing that she was ready for. It was hardest at the beginning when I wasn't sure what to try. We would try short little tasks since she had trouble sitting very long and spend more time on what caught her attention. She would spend hours reading with me, drawing or doing dot-to-dots, but could stand no more than a few minutes of "lessons."

As we went along, she made progress in many areas. Her abilities improved and her attention span improved. Right now, she is doing work beyond Kindergarten level, but I still call her a Kindergartener since that fits her age and social interactions best. I was always frustrated that Preschool level material and books talking about Preschoolers would give an accurate view of a child of that age and the maturity level the child has, but not help much with teaching a child who's academic readiness was beyond that which was the average expected. When I would go to Kindergarten level material it was aimed at an older child who had a greater maturity level, which wasn't appropriate for my preschooler. Also, books talking about teaching Kindergarten and elementary age children assumed a maturity level that my daughter hadn't reached yet. I didn't find anything that helped with my problem or even explained that a transition needs to happen between the preschool age and the school age. I didn't make a thorough search, but the only book that I found that explained a transition in the way children mature was "Your Baby's Mind and How It Grows: Piaget's Theory for Parents," by Mary Ann Spencer Pulaski, published in 1978.

This book is all about how the child thinks at different ages starting at birth and continuing level by level until adulthood. According to the book, around ages 4-7 a child makes a mental transition from "the world is magical and all about me" to a prelogical or intuitive stage that starts leaving the magic thinking behind. I haven't found any other books that deal with a transition around this age that takes a child from preschool thinking to school age thinking. The book did help me understand earlier changes with the infant stages.

I remember when our oldest was a baby how astonished we would be that she would suddenly be able to do something she previously couldn't and then do it like she always knew how. It was exactly like someone flipped a switch and the new way became the new norm. We watched her make transitions as a baby. She made the transition to the dreaded "terrible twos" fairly easily. The transition when she turned three was much harder. We thought we had things stabilized, then she went through another hard transition when she turned four. Now that she is turning five, I notice that this transition seems to be the hardest so far.

Some of the things that I have noticed is that she is aware of change around her. I think she is somewhat aware that she is seeing things differently, but isn't sure how to deal with it. She is starting to understand plot-lines in videos that went over her head before. She is starting to get jokes (especially the really bad jokes that five year olds love). She is starting to ask questions about deep things like death. We recently were given some wonderful Beatrix Potter story DVDs that combines a live action Beatrix Potter with watercolor animation telling the stories. She adores the stories, but these stories deal with life and death, with good and evil. She has been in tears more than once over what happens in the stories, but she wants them again. My theory is that she is needing to figure out these important ideas and she is drawn back again so she can think about it. She worries that Daddy won't come home when we are driving home in separate cars. At the same time she wants to dictate to us how she wants things to be and we have to remind her that we are the parents and she is the child not the other way around.

She is going through one of life's major transitions. She is starting to see the world with clearer vision. She is starting to get glimses of difficult concepts. She is starting to be open to new ideas and information. She is learning to be more independent. She is learning to interact with other people and understand that they are "other" and not participants in her latest imaginings. She is learning to think differently. I think this is that unmentioned transition that makes all the difference between the preschooler and the school age child. I'm not sure if it is just that kids don't like change so these transitions are just naturally bumpy. Or maybe the difficulty of the transition has more to do with what the individual's tolerance level for change is. But, this is looking like a doozy of a transition we are going through. Change is hard both for the Pillowfight Fairy and for us. But, I am looking forward to the new world on the other side.

In the meantime, if anyone has come across any helpful information that talks about this transitional time, I would love to hear more about it. I'm guessing that our worst bumps are at the beginning when we aren't ready or expecting a change. But, so far these transitions she has gone through have taken months to calm down to a new equilibrium. A little more understanding of the process might help.

Sometimes you just have to have a good time

I feel as if I've been running a marathon for the last several weeks. Not literally of course. I am walking again after breaking my foot, but I am doing so very gingerly and my foot gets sore from the use. No, I've found that when I am able to function at high speed without problems, I feel like a supermom. But, any major bump in the road where Mommy can't do my usual stuff, then we are suddenly in survival mode. So, with foot in recovery, being the finance person for my MOPS group, homeschooling, and now dealing with one car in the shop and ferrying my husband to and from work so that I can use the only available car (thanks to Granny and Grandpa) for necessary errands, I've been pretty stressed out.

If you ever need a stress relief, open your mind to the wonderful restorative properties of the way children think. It seems like nearly every day something happens that gets me giggling. Monday I needed to go shopping to pick up computer paper (The Pillowfight Fairy goes through about a package a month) and some Zicam (my Husband has found it to do wonders for him in fighting off colds). The easiest place for me to go that has both of those items is our local Target store. I was in the mind set of get in, get the stuff, and get out. Have I ever mentioned that I don't like shopping? Well, I was still well stressed out and I had three kids in tow. The Happy Boy gets to ride in the cart facing Mommy in the convenient little kid seat. But, neither the Pillowfight Fairy nor the Adrenaline Junkie was feeling like walking that day, so I stuffed them in the main basket and told them to make room for each other. Silly me, I thought my agenda was on track. Then it happened. I don't remember who started it. I don't know where they got the idea unless it was from the Halloween decorations. But almost from the first moment I started pushing the cart through the store, the two girls decided to howl like wolves. Now, I'm not talking about a few timid howls. These girls have lungs (family of singers you know). They were howling like wolves with gusto. They howled as I made my way up and down the aisles. They howled as we passed other shoppers (who had a variety of reactions I might add). They howled past other Moms with whiny and fussy kids. They howled as we wound our way through the store. They howled for a good 15 minutes. Did I try to hush them? Good Heavens, no. I needed the laugh. In fact, I was having trouble maintaining enough composure to continue shopping. About 10 minutes into it Happy Boy started making squeals to show how much he was enjoying it. They made me smile. They made some of the store clerks laugh. And maybe they made another Mom or two go home thankful that her child was merely whiny while that Mom at the store had three kids howling like wolves. I finally distracted them into silence by heading by the toy aisles. We hadn't got Pillowfight Fairy anything for her birthday yet and I needed ideas. They didn't howl anymore after that and we finished the shopping trip and went home. But, it was just silly and it helped me get some perspective on life.

Today, there were a couple of other things that show the way kids think and how different it is from the way I think. Today, Pillowfight Fairy had a doctor's appointment and we ended up quite early at the clinic. As I was distracted by the girls hopping on shapes on the floor and meeting other kids (whereupon Adrenaline Junkie would announce "I'm a girl!"), the Happy Boy made his move. He found that if he twists this way and that to try to see what his sisters are doing, before long the straps on the stroller aren't so tight. This was a free umbrella stroller we picked up years ago. He somehow managed to pull the straps to their furthest extention and then crawl out of the stroller as he reached down to play with the footrest or wheels. At least that is my guess. I turned to check on him and he wasn't in the stroller where I left him and the fastener was still fastened. He was only about a yard away exploring in his new found freedom. He hadn't yet decided to make a break for it.

Later in the day, the Pillowfight Fairy and I had a disagreement. She had just read the book "If you give a mouse a cookie" for the first time today. In the story, one of the things the mouse does is draw a picture and then tape it to the refrigerator. Now, I fully realize that many people do put artwork from their kids on the refrigerator. If I did that, I would have to change the pictures every five minutes. The Pillowfight Fairy draws a lot of pictures and the refrigerator would not hold them all. As a compromise, she gets to tape them on our walls as long as they are high enough up that neither the cats nor her baby brother eats them. However, today she had to draw a mouse picture (which was quite good actually) and wanted to tape it to the refrigerator. It's just a small thing. It's just a harmless thing. Why can't I just let her do it? Because I know my daughter. She would consider the refrigerator the new favorite display spot and before you know it we can't find the door handles for all the paper taped to the door of this much used appliance. I explained that other people do put pictures on their refrigerators, but in our house we put them on the walls. That is our house rule about displaying our pictures. She had tantrum after tantrum after tantrum wanting to do it the way they did it in the book. Mommy held her ground. The Pillowfight Fairy is entering a very independent way of thinking. She likes to do things her way and when she can't she tries to find a solution that is acceptable to her ideas of what should be. In this case I had to praise her for her inventiveness and ability to stay within the rule Mommy gave her. She drew a refrigerator on another piece of paper (complete with door handles and refrigerator magnets). She taped this paper refrigerator to the wall and then taped her precious work of art to this paper refrigerator. All was peaceful again. If only the rest of our problems were solved so easily.

Well, I hope you enjoyed the latest fun. There was more if only I could have remembered it. We do try to write down some of the funny things, but there are so many of them that many are forgotten before they are written down.